


Am I not though ?

by Triss_Kohry



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Phil Lester, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Fluff, High School Student Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Student Phil Lester, Teenagers, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-17 05:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20615852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triss_Kohry/pseuds/Triss_Kohry
Summary: Dan is living the life of a classic teenager. School, being bored, and having to deal with too much emotions and anxieties. He never knew if Phil arriving in his life helped him out or just made his head an even more utter mess. Either ways, he definitely liked it.





	1. FOGGY

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there ! Thanks for clicking ! 
> 
> So... That's my first fic ! I'm not claiming it's a perfect one, but... I think I enjoy writing it. And I'm sure the more I'll write the better at it I'll get ! I'm gonna try anyway. ^^
> 
> And just so you know, I'm french, I don't speak english fluently. They might be some language mistakes in it, I'm sorry, I'd be glad if you could point them out ! The work shouldn't be long anyway.
> 
> Thanks a lot, hope to hear about you in the comments ! ^^

Dan really didn't want to go out.

There was the thickest fog out there, even for a late autumnal evening. But he had to go buy things to put in the fridge, otherwise, he'll get beheaded by his mother way before he had the chance to get the much more sweet release of starving to death.

So he put on his black boots, his long black felt coat, he took his headphone and his deepest breath and opened the door. He luckily knew the way to the nearest shop by heart, because he couldn't see 15 feet in front of him.

The whole neighborhood was just like an impressionist painting: an extended mess of shadows, studded by reflects of the yellow/orange light of the nearly setting sun. 

It was about 6:30 pm, but Dan, only wearing a thin black t-shirt was shivering.  
He swiftly put some music on, to hasten to stuck his hands in his pockets, hoping to get some warmth.

Tomorrow he'll have to go back to school.

He really didn't want to either.

He had never wanted to get up early to be stuck in a room with other boys all day, hearing voices mocking him, and writing useless stuff down to throw them back on a different piece of paper, to be judged and marked, as if the value of your soul was relying on it. No, he definitely never asked that.

But it will soon come to an end, This is his last year of high school. He honestly didn't know how to feel about it. Of course, he was glad this kind of hell was finally over. 

But to what kind of hell was he heading to now? What would be his place in the world in only a few months? University. Of course, it's what his parents want. And even though he doesn't really want it, he has no other plans and really, nothing that he really is interested in learning. And just nodding to his father saying "You should do law. It's a fine way to get some money and respect." is easier than to inspect his feelings and wishes.

He's a mess. So he might as well be a mess doing law.

Sometimes he just thinks that if a car could come out of the fog right now to run over him, everything would be easier. Nothing to worry about anymore. He won't have to be anxious about his future, his family, his bullies, his lack of interest in life. But no. No car in sight, just some empty streets bordered by quiet pavilions looking all the same.

Dan sighed heavily, turned up the volume of his headphones, as if he could drown in the music, looked down, and hurried a bit. Let's get this over with. Some eggs, pasta, beef, mustard, and oil. He kept repeating the grocery list in the rhythm of his music, to distract himself from his own thoughts.

It worked.

Dan just kept walking, looking at his feet, not paying attention to the world around. He got to the center, skillfully dodging the few people in his way.

He rose his gaze, he has arrived. He drew his hand up to the handle of the shop's door, just to see a "closed" sign.

Wait what? Dan thought. What the heck? It's bearly 6:45 pm! Next to the sign stood a piece of paper saying 'We'll be exceptionally closed from the 12th to the 16th of October, for personal reasons. Have a good day !' Oh come on! I'll have to come back tomorrow after school? Crap. Dan sighed, turned around and started to head back home, empty-handed.

We looked up to find his way around when he felt a warm pressure on his shoulder. Dan gasped, widened his eyes, and speedily turned around to face the intruder of his personal bubble.

He found quite a tall man, a dark fringe fell across his face, which contrasted sharply with his pale skin. He was wearing a bright blue shirt which only highlighted the stranger's gaze locked on him.

Those striking blue eyes. They probably just caught the shocked expression on Dan's face, still breathing heavily, because they quickly went from sympathetic to precocious and concerned.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you, Pardon me !" He hurried.  
"No, It’s- t's okay, it's okay," said Dan, looking on the side, an awkward smile on. "Euh... Hello? May... May I be of any help ?"  
"Only if you know how to get to Victoria Street ?" Asked the man, his face exaggerates in a 'sorry-to-bother' expression while digging in his palm.  
Dan heard his voice in his head just going Wow.   
This man was astonishing. Of course, those deep eyes were mesmerizing, but even the curve of his face, his perfectly shaped lips, and those messy raven hairs melting with the fog wrapping us…  
He managed to shake his head just before crossing the 'awkward line' of staring, he answered.  
"Yeah, yes, of course, It's quite close hm... I'm actually heading around there maybe I could show you the way ?" he tried to sound confident, but he wasn't sure if it is something strangers offer. Was he being weird again? Oh my god, did he just embarrassed himself sounding like a psycho?

But the man just relaxed his shoulders, showed a relieved and grateful smile and said "Thank god. I've been wandering around for like an hour, I was afraid I might spend the night out here completely lost in the fog !"

Dan smiled at the vision of this tall man curled up on a ridiculously tiny bench in the freezing night. He showed the way and started to walk slowly. He tried to think of something to say, just to fill the blank, but he really was way too shy to think of something interesting.

After a few minutes of silent walking the man broke the silence with an "Oh! By the way, I'm Phil! Nice to meet you !" Dan looked up at him, gently smiled and replied "Dan, nice to meet you, Phil."

He gathered his courage and said, "So... If you don't know Victoria Street, where are you from ?"

"Around Manchester," he answered taking a quick glance at Dan. "And so you live around here ?"*

"Yeah, a couple of streets away from Victoria street actually. So what lead you there? There's nothing but houses there..."

"Well, I'm moving in! And obviously, I'm so clever that I never checked to place first. It's my uncle's house, but he rent it for me. I just wanted to get out of the family house. I mean, look at me, I'm 22, I've got a degree in "English language and linguistics", and I live at my mother's. Nah mate. So, I packed my things, took my economies and came here! I guess all of my stuff is packed in there waiting for me !"  
Dan raised his eyebrows, chuckled and said: " One would hope so !” 

He was disconcerted by how the man was confidently holding the conversation. He should follow his pace. “So you really don't know where or how's the house ?"  
"More fun that way !" Said Phil, shrugged and smiled, visibly excited. Dan couldn't help a smile.

That man really didn't know where he was getting, but went there with this bright smile. Cute.

They walked for an another few minutes talking about the town, the weather, their studies.

Dan stopped at a corner, straightened a bit, and said "So... your new home should be one of those houses, good luck to find which one! And I hope your stuff is there, otherwise... I'm hoping the carpet is comfortable enough. So... See you ?" he asked it quite shyly, he wasn't sure if Phil actually considered seeing him later.  
Well, they're almost neighbors so... But maybe Dan annoyed him, being so awkward, and he’s just a stupid teen, and- Phil cut his thoughts by formally extending a hand, still with his sweet smile.

"Thank you very much, without you I might have just frozen out there all night! And yeah, looking forward to see you around Dan !" The younger shook the hand, they exchanged a warm smile, and both headed to their own home.

Dan walked home gleefully.

The fog was now nearly gone, and the sun was nearly down.

He didn't get the groceries, but it's okay, he'll go tomorrow. His mother might be too tired to complain anyway. And he didn't want to think about that.

His mind was elsewhere.

It was in the deep blue eyes.

His brain kept repeating the same words, without any consent from Dan :  
"Looking forward to see you around Dan!" It might just have been a formula, but his name sounded so well flowing down Phil's lips. And honestly, he hadn't had many chances to hear that someone was "Looking forward to see you around".

"Dan".

That... That was just reassuring. Maybe he wasn't completely useless then. He helped someone! And a handsome someone.

No, no, no inappropriate thoughts.

Yet.

Just... There's a potential friend out there! And Phil was about his age so maybe they could hang out together sometimes. It's been a while since he smiled like that.

Glee.

It was glee.


	2. DEW

Dan entered his room, his arms hurting from the heavy groceries he carried home, and just collapsed onto his bed. Done. He was done for the day. School today was exactly the same as usual. 

Get in class, sit down, be bored, get up, being insulted, walk the corridors, sit down, write a bit, get up, get out.

But in the endless wait that was the day, he now had something to think about ; Phil. 

Nothing weird obviously, he hardly knew the man. Just... So did make it home ? Were his cardboard boxes there ? Did he have anything to sleep on ? Phil, asleep. No, get that out of my head ! God, I'm such a desperate teen... Stop that crap, you’re late for class.

But now, Dan was lying on his bed, and he had nothing to do. He turned on his side to face his window. There were people on the street. Some adults in costume, some kids in uniform, all heading back home to get changed and play family.

But no young adults roaming their raven black fringes around. Of course. Phil would have no reason to just walk in Dan's street and knock on his door. But.. He wasn't far. Maybe. Who knows ? 

Dan just realized what his life was and felt pathetic. Dreaming on some stranger just because he spoke to him. 

He got up, grabbed his laptop, and played a youtube video. 

He felt good in the internet universe. His body, his room, the world around him didn't exist anymore. He was in his own bubble, only filled with things he liked. His own perfect world. 

Eventually, his mom howled is name for dinner. He closed his laptop, sighted, and got downstairs.

The meal was quiet. Maybe for the better. As soon as he could, Dan went upstairs, had a shower and went to bed. He just wanted to end this day as quickly as possible, so that the next one might be as quick and forgettable. To knock yourself down with sleep. A restless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the bell rings, pack your stuff, get up, get out the building, cross the portal, walk to the bus stop, wait for the bus, get up, get out, walk home. It should be easy. Don't fall apart when they'll wait for you outdoors. Ignore them, they'll get bored if you don't answer. Put your headphones on, loud music, close your mouth, stare in front of you. Ok. You can do this. You do it everyday, just once more. 

Dan accomplished his routine. He only felt relieved once his was alone in the street, wrapped in his long coat. 

I was about 5pm. He didn't really want to go home now. He knew no one will be waiting for him there anyway, his parents were working late on Fridays. But the sky was starting to get covered, the atmosphere was heavy : It might rain. If he hurries a bit, he might be home in about 10 minutes. But... 

He didn't want to be home.

He likes being here.  
The street was calm, there wasn't much cars making noise. He had his music, his coat, he felt well. He passed by a flower shop, that he noticed by the sweet smell. He looked up, in front of him, and he started to observe these buildings, flats and shops which he passed by everyday without seeing them. 

He notices the architecture, the pigeons nests, the curtains on the windows. All those little details made him smile. 

It was his town. He felt safe. And at the very second he realised that, a drop of rain crashed onto his nose. Crap. Dan of course wasn't dressed for the weather, and when a little blow of wind blown under his t-shirt, he shivered.

He wrapped himself in the felt, and started to quick the pace. Another drop fell on his jaw, and rolled down his neck to die in is collar.

Another one, on the other side. One on his forehead, and two, and four, and, yeah, it was pouring. And it started to get seriously uncomfortable. His hair were getting wet too, and slowly losing their straightness. That was the last straw, he couldn't allow the rain to get to his style. 

He looked up, seeking for a shelter. There was a tree nearby but-No, wait a café. he didn't think it twice, and ran to the café's door. F-tang! It made a bell sound, like if everyone in the place should know: Daniel Howell has entered the place.

Well he clearly wasn't a badass cowboy entering a saloon. He was dripping everywhere, his hair were definitely messed up, he was shivering cold and he wasn't sure his notebooks in his backpack weren't turned to sponges. He looked around. It was a small place, but cozy. And warm.

In front of him was the bar and the cashregister, a huge vintage one, probably made of brass. The walls were painted green, and of them were some abstract paintings of flowers. On his left, there was a few tables with severals chairs, all made of a dark wood. There only was a old couple sat at the table near the window, chatting casually, and a young woman reading across the room. It wasn't busy, we could hear some jazzy music playing on the background. 

Dan took his coat off and sat at a table with a red tulipe in a green vase. The place was quite cute. Must be new, he never saw it before. He heard someone coming to him, and raise his head to see a blonde waitress dressed in black smiling to him, holding a little notepad to take his order. 

"Good afternoon, what can I get you ?" Dan froze for a second, yeah, of course there no one else who could order for me. God, What can I get ? I don't want to have the choice I- Come on Dan, just think of a drink. "Euh... A hot chocolate ?" He asked awkwardly. "Be back in a minute !" she said, nodding, and head to the bar. 

Dan sighed, put his coat on the back of his chair and relaxed for a sec. The rain was still going strong. At least he was sheltered here. He pulled out his phone and started browsing, waiting for his drink.

"Oh, Dan !" Surprised to hear his name, and looked up and- yeah, he knew that voice. 

"Ph-Phil ?" 

Phil was standing there, dressed in a black shirt as well, holding a steaming cup and a little notepad, showing a sincerly glad smile. "Hi ! Hot chocolate ?" he asked putting it in front of Dan, without letting go of the smile. 

"Yeah, th-thank you" the freezingness of Dan has seemed to vanish without a second. "So...You work here ?" asked Dan. "Yep, it's my first day !" Phil then leaned forwards, to get close to Dan's face, and wispered "Am I doing okay so far ?You're my first client" 

Dan immediately blushed and pulled his face back answering "Yeah, sure, you... You rock that black shirt." 

Phil straighted up still smiling and leant on the chair across Dan. "Oh, I hate it. I'm more of a 'flashy/bright colors' type of guy. But I guess it would fit in your wardrobe, the only patch of color on you are your pink cheeks ! You look like you're frozen, were you caught by the rain ?" He asked, looking concerned, and glanced at the window. It was still violently pouring.

"Yeah... Do I look as awful as I think I do ?" Dan extended his t-shirt collar to hide in it.

Phil smirked and leant back over Dan "No, you're fine, Your hairs are just planning a revolution on there I think." Phil ran the tip of his fingers on Dan's fringe to get it out of his eye. 

Dan felt the drops of rain on his face evaporating by the heat of his skin. Phil stood back up, picked up his notepad and said "The curly hair suits you though." with a wink and stuck out his tongue. 

Dan blushed, opened his mouth to respond, but Phil was already gone to the woman reading behind him. My... What just happened ? Dan wasn't cold anymore, he was boiling hot. So Phil works here. Phil is here. He came to talk to me. He seemed friendly and... Oh my god how did I manage to forget how hot he was. 

Dan tried to get a grip on himself by getting a grip on his chocolate. 

He spent the next ten minutes sipping on it and pretending to be busy on his phone, while he was discretely trying to take glances up whenever he heard paces approaching him. 

He was totally trying to check Phil out while he was taking care of the few customers arriving. Phil was walking confidently around the tables, a polite smile on, taking the orders and cautiously serving the customers one by one, careful not to spill the cups. 

He was tall, maybe a little bit taller that Dan, which is rare enough to be noticed, but he was clumpsy-tall, like he wasn't used to be in this body. His fringe was quite long, and it kept falling across his face. He often had to replace it with an akward smile.  
His blue gaze was like a flashlight. And whenever it crossed Dan's, it send a shiver down his spine, and he genuinely felt blinded for a second.

He actually caught Phil staring back once or twice but it probably was just because Phil caught Dan staring. I mean why would be interested in a weird teen like me ? He's just wondering why I am creepily staring, I've got to stop, my god I'm embarrassing myself. He turned his gaze to the window. The rain outside was starting to calm down, and Dan reluctantly thought about going home. He looked around to see Phil one last time disappearing behind the bar. 

Come on, I’ve got to go. He grabbed his coat now nearly dry, got up and pulled his hand in his pocket seeking for some change. He put some coins on the table, put his coat on and tried to tame his hair, unsuccessfully. He then headed to the door, when he felt a grasp on his elbow.

“Leaving already ? Without saying ‘bye’ ? I finish my shift in about 3 minutes. Would you… Would you mind waiting a sec ?” Phil stood there on one foot, a tray full of empty glasses in his other hand to balance him. 

“Oh, euh... Yeah, fine. Just don’t let the rain be quicker than you” answered Dan, trying to sound confident, pretending to scratch the back of his neck.  
“Great, ‘be back in a minute !” A grin enlightened the face of the man.  
Phil went to cash his last order in the register, and disappeared in the back shop. 

Dan waited in the middle of the room, like frozen, this strange warm sensation flowing through his veins from his elbow to his whole body. 

Phil didn’t take long, and reappeared in front of Dan a couple of minutes later. “Here I am ! So ! Were you going home ?” he said, wrapping a scarf around his neck. Dan couldn’t help noticing the softness of his white skin against the wool.

“Oh, hi, euh… Yeah I guess ! What about you ?” Dan asked, openning the door of the café. “Well, I was thinking about roaming a bit in town, to take my marks, but we can just walk a bit towards your street if you’re okay with it ?” Phil replied. 

“Sure, I’m not in a rush anyway. Hum…” Dan thought for a second, standing it the middle of the pavement, looking up at the different directions. A little blow of wind made his coat swirl in the wind. The rain had stopped. The grey heavy clouds were lazily carried by the wind away from them, a ray of sun was lightening the street. 

“Actually, I know another way to our neighbourhood, it’s nicer. Would you come with me ?” asked Dan, only realizing how much his sentences sounded like a serial killer’s one while saying it.  
“Sure thing !” replied Phil with his sweet smile, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “So… It will be that way, if that good sir would have the kindness to follow me” Dan joked, trying to make the atmosphere a little bit cushier. 

He was taking Phil out of the main busy road, into the parallel streets. Soon enough, they entered a little park. It wasn’t one of those typical english park, with just an empty field of grass, it looked more like a private garden.

It wasn’t that large, like a cocoon far away from the town. It was bordered by some huge pine trees, and in the middle was a bench made of three pieces of rock piled up. The path meandered between some apple trees scattered around. And every few meters on the path was a flower arch where a climbing red rose rested. The red of the flowers matched the red of the tiny apples hanging on the trees. The whole scene was steeping with a yellow ray of sun softly reflecting on the rain drops in the grass. The place was charming. 

Phil let a “Oooh !” Entering it, making Dan feel proud, very few people knew the place. He liked to hang out here alone, to flee reality. 

Phil rushed under the first arch, bent over to poke a rose, causing it’s dripping all the water on it. Dan smiled. That guy was such a kid. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and came up to Phil.

“Do you do anything next wednesday ?” Phil ask, leant forwards still looking at the flower, the fingers slowly brushing the spines on the stem.

“Sorry ? Wednesday, no, I don’t… You want to… ?” sort of answered Dan, kinda confused. 

His thoughts were quicker than ever. Wait- Phil- did Phil- is it a dat- no, no, can’t be, god what’s happ- he’s straightening, okay, what- what did he mean, he- 

Dan’s panicked gaze went to Phil turning over, doing a swift triangle between each of his eyes and his lips stretched in a kind smile. 

“Yeah, I thought we could hang out sometimes. You in ?” Dan chuckled awkwardly and replied “Yeah ! Yeah, of course-”. 

Phil snorted and started walking “Of course you would hang out with me, the Great Phil Lester, how on earth wouldn’t you want that, I’m so awesome !” Dan could hear the smile in his voice. 

“Shut up !” Dan said, abrubtly shoving Phil’s shoulder. He turned to face Dan, eyebrows raised up and still a smile on his lips. 

“Did you really just do that ?” 

Dan didn’t feel any shyness within him. 

“What’re gonna do ‘Great Phil Lester’ ?” 

The man faced back forwards, Dan saw him bit his lower lip before turning his own head, blushing a bit.

“It’s noted Dan. Engraved. I’ll make you regret this affront.” 

Dan only snorted, looking down when he felt Phil’s glare on him. 

They walked like that for a few minutes, talking about Phil’s move in, his daily life amongst the cardboard boxes, and his friends from uni. Dan mostly listened. He didn’t really know what he could say to ‘impress’ Phil. He just thought his life wasn’t interesting enough to compete with Phil’s incredible adventures trying to bake pancakes in a saucepan because he never found his frying pan in the ‘kitchen’ cardboard box. 

For the records, he just packed it with his DVD’s. 

This man really had the power to attract the craziest situations. At least just some odd situations of the everyday life he turned into massive problematics and insurmountable obstacles that he always find a (more or less effective) solution to. 

Dan noticed his habit to swiftly move his hands a lot, to illustrate the scenes. He was passionate about was he was saying, always a nostalgic smile brightening his words. The boy was invested in the story, and never missed an occasion to tease Phil, bordering the flirt. 

“Why did you have to try pet this suricate in the first place you dork !?” 

“Oi, it was so cute eating the little piece of lettuce ! I can’t help myself to get closer to such cute creatures !”  
At that moment, Dan felt Phil’s shoulder brushing his, and looked up to see him smirking, still looking forward. 

This sight astonished Dan for a second : This handsome man was walking by his side. The sun was backlighting him, only outlining his silhouette. The contour of his jaw, his cheekbones, his messy fringe, made Dan shuddered. Phil was attractive, and Dan couldn’t help being attracted. 

But more than that, Dan felt safe around him. For the first time in his life, he felt safe with another being. 

This thought made him thaw. 

The atmosphere was warming up a bit, the sun was back. Well, the ground was still soak a bit, but the wind ceased. 

A few minutes later, they reached the corner where their ways split up. The boy stopped and faced Phil, a little sad smile on. “So… here you go, then.” The man smiled too, about to say goodbye, but seemed to recall :

“Oh, about wednesday, I’m not sure about the time yet, I might- I might be working in the morning, so, euh… Can I- get your number ? Might be easier to meet if we are at the same place at the same time” he joked looking down, a hand handing his phone and the other one on his neck.

Maybe not so confident anymore. The scene made Dan feel a wave of warmth flowing onto him. Not even in any weird way, just… This sudden attention was something new to Dan. 

“Yeah, sure ! here:” Dan wrote it down on the phone and hand it back over Phil. “Only if you don’t hassle me” He added with a wink.

“You wish !” Phil replied doing that winky-tongue-out face he often does. “Ok, then, see ya !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a bit longer than the first one ! 
> 
> Hoped it was alright, please, don't hesitate to tell me how I could improve in the comments ! ^^ 
> 
> Thanks for your time <3


	3. HAILSTORM

Dan was lazily laid down on his back in this bed, a bowl of popcorn close at hand and his huge black laptop on his lap. 

His phone was at reach too. He was really trying to not focus on it. He knew that the hole in his stomach will only grow wider if he thinks about it. 

Did Phil ask him on a date? God. 

Dan tried not to think about it, and tried to focus back on the film he was watching. 

And about 20 minutes later, his phone rang. 

His eyes widen, and his brain stopped working for a few seconds. When he realized the only person who could be texting him was Phil, he smashed the pause button, rushed to his phone, and enter that bubble where the outside world is far away. 

P: Hi there ! Is this Dan or did I get the wrong number and am a total dork ?

D: u got the right number ^^  
D: (which doesnt mean ur not a total dork)

P: Oi ! who educated you ? 

D: Your mom.

P: Oh my god shut up ! xD

D: x)

P: What’re u up to tonight ? 

D: Watching Kill Bill for the 143576432th time while procrastinating hard, u? 

P: I guess kill bill worth procrastinating hard. im reading the criticsm of pure reason by Kant

P: JK, losing at mario kart against computers. 

D: How can u lose at mario kart with the computers ?? 

P: I’m playing in 100cc!

D: Geez you have so much to learn boy

P: excuseme  
P: dont be condescendent with me mate, you dont know in what mess you are getting yourself to. 

D: what’re-you-gonna-do-kid? Wanna fight?

P: You, me, wednesday, 3pm in that park. Bring some bandage, u’ll need it. 

Dan just stared at that text for a few seconds, his dimples starting to hurt from the lingering smile he was doing all that time. 

But that smile instantly vanished when he heard his name called from downstairs. It was his mom, calling for dinner. Immediately violently brought back to reality, he let out an “Ugh”.

D: i’ll be there just to watch you try.  
D: Gotta go, see ya wednesday !

P: See ya ! ;) 

Dan realized he was biting his lower lip. He quickly let go and rolled his eyes to himself. 

He got up, got out of his room, and went down for dinner. 

His parents were sat in front of their steamy dishes, talking about their day at work. Dan silently sat down too and started eating.   
His mind was obviously elsewhere. 

It was in Phil’s arms. 

And he was wishing so hard his body was too. But no, he was here, in his boring life, and he’d have to deal with it, alone, as usual. 

Tomorrow another day of school will start, he will again be bored to death by his teachers talking about cgse, and how much of a failure he would be if he didn’t pass it. 

He felt more anxious as each day went by. 

What would be his life in a few months? 

Probably not better. 

He’d have to stop drama. 

The only class he actually liked. Jesus Christ. What’s the point of trying then ? 

“Dan ?” Dan lift his head, to see both of his parents looking at him. “I asked you about this essay you had to do.” 

Dan looked down, searching his words to explain that he didn’t start it yet, but he’ll do it on time and there is no need to get pissed at him. 

But his father was quicker :  
“Really Dan? Oh my god, you completely failed the last one, you need to make up for it ! Jesus, what are you thinking ? That the good universities will just accept you like that ? ‘Oh, it’s Daniel Howell guys, let him in !’ If you don’t work, you’ll get nothing.   
But maybe it’s just what you deserve then.” 

Dan started to feel all of those dark thoughts creeping slowly back into his mind, invading him like thick smoke. He was suffocating. He couldn’t say anything, just a witness to the situation. 

"I can't bear you anymore. Looking forward for you to get the hell out of that house, I'm so fed up with supporting a failure."

His mother’s eyes widen:” Honey, you can’t say that !”

Dan felt all those feelings in his stomach bursting, creeping to invest all of his body, and rushing to his eyes. He was frozen. He felt like he had just been stabbed in the chest. Which was a bit of an overreaction, he had just been insulted by his father, sure, but it wasn’t the first time, nor the more violent one.

But it was the last straw, the last accusation he couldn’t handle. He wasn’t feeling well already. And knowing that he’s alone in that hole and that even his family was digging it, he couldn’t- he- it was too much. 

When he felt his first tear forming, he dashed up and run upstairs. 

He couldn’t let his parents see him cry. He ran, slammed his door and fell behind it, letting it all out, trying to be as quiet as possible. 

He felt so alone. So weak, and so worthless. He felt like he didn’t deserve any of what he had. His father was fucking right, he's just a failure, some stupid consumer of energy that doesn't ever pay for it. He just wanted to melt on the floor, disappear, being forgotten by everyone. 

He felt illegitimate to feel that bad. He had food, a house, and education. Nothing to complain about, just some classic teen anxiety. He didn’t know why he was feeling that way, and that only drove him even madder. A stupid kid crying for literally nothing.   
He couldn’t even find some uncommon reason to burst into tears like he is. 

He was doing the drama queen again. He wasn’t even deserving to cry. 

He deeply hated himself. For being so weak.

He was digging his nails deep in his skin, to feel pain. He probably wanted to suffer to make up for all of his mistakes. 

He just stayed sat on the floor, sobbing, crying all he could cry out for a good 35 minutes.

When he calmed down a bit, he grabbed a cover and his phone. He laid down on his room floor, wrapped himself in the cold wool and put some music on. Anything that could cover his thoughts. He quietly sobbed there for a -really long- while before eventually falling into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaay, good mood, good vibes, rainbows!   
I don't feel like just posting that, the next chapter is coming really soon!  
Thanks for the kudos ! ^^


	4. A RAY OF SUN

Dan woke up late.

He was so grateful that he wasn’t hearing any noise. His parents were gone. He opened his eyes, grabbed his phone. 1:30 pm. Yeah, he definitely woke up late. He rubbed his eyes and felt the salt of his dry tears irritate his cheeks. Oh, yeah, that happened. 

He got up, with a terrible backache. Why is the floor so much less comfortable and ergonomic than a bed?   
He got to the bathroom avoiding the mirrors, took his clothes off and had a warm shower. As the water ran down his body, he tried to imagine all of his mess being carried away with it.

When he got out, he grabbed some clothes on the floor. The advantage of wearing only black is that any of his clothing matches. The cold fabric against his warm skin made him slightly shiver. 

He then went downstairs to get something to eat.

He reheated some pasta he found in the fridge and ate quietly on the sofa, appreciating the silent floating in the house like a thick fog. His mind wandered a bit before he recalled. Wait. Phil. In 24 minutes. Jesus Fuck. he thought, his jaw dropped, mouth full of food. 

He hurried to finish his bowl of pasta, went to brush his teeth, and straighten his fringe.   
Well. He still looked terrible.   
Should I really go? I could just text Phil to tell him I have homework to do. He didn’t feel like he could really handle human interaction right now. And he didn’t want to appear as a weak mess in front of Phil. 

But… He wanted to see Phil. He was actually the only person he wanted to be with. Yeah, he didn’t want to spend the day alone. Phil will be able to cheer him up. God, yeah, he wanted to feel Phil by his side, his arms around him… Okay, he’ll go. 

He rushed to grab his coat and shoes, locked the door, and nearly ran all the way to the park. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He arrived at the park at 3:17 pm. He hoped so badly Phil wasn’t gone. He crossed the tiny portal and hurried in the park looking for the man. 

He sighed in relief when he saw a silhouette backing onto an apple tree. Phil was wearing a bright red bomber and some black skinny jeans. His scarf was fluttering, and so was Dan’s heart. 

The man’s back was turned, he hasn’t noticed Dan. He couldn’t help but smile at this sight. He walked to him, maybe checking him out a bit, hands deep in his pockets.

When he was close enough, he got going with a shy “Hello there ?”. 

Phil turned around, first surprised, but then looking pleased, relieved. “I nearly waited !” he teased, wrapping an arm around Dan’s shoulder in a semi-hug. 

Dan froze under the feeling. Like he wanted to cage up his feelings in a steel armor to prevent them to show up. 

Phil stepped backward, a warm smile on. “What took you so long ?” he asked. 

Dan hadn’t thought about the eventuality of this question. ‘I woke up late cauz I spent the night crying for no reason’ wasn’t the answer he wanted to say. He settled for an “I had some kind of nap, and my alarm didn’t go off on time, sorry…” 

“It’s fine. Having trouble sleeping at night ?” Phil asked kindly, starting to walk towards the bench. 

“No, I’m fine.” Dan snapped sharply, to cut out the subject quickly. He kinda regretted his harsh tone, Phil was just being polite. 

“Well... I expected you to be a little more aggressive if I recall right.” Dan said in a smirk, sitting on the stone bench. 

“Oh, yeah, that’s right.” Phil pulled a funny face, by raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips, while rolling his sleeves up and taking a step towards Dan.  
The boy held his breath for a second, but couldn’t help bursting into laughter. “Is this your ‘I’m gonna mess you up’ face ? God it doesn’t suit you” he managed to say between two giggles. 

Phil’s expression changed for a little sad puppy face for a few seconds before he replied: “I’m saving my ‘I’m gonna mess you around’ face for now” in a smirk and sat next to Dan. 

Dan felt a blush creeping to his cheeks and turned his head to hide it from Phil, pretending to observe the trees. His thoughts were like a computer analyzing thousands of possibilities at the same time. He was brought back by Phil's voice, stating out of nowhere: "So… About hot balloons."   
"What ?"   
"Don't you think they're amazing ? I mean, it's just a piece of cloth that's flying thanks to warm air. Do you think that with global warming our t-shirts might start to levitate in our wardrobe ?"

Dan couldn't believe what he was hearing. And the cuteness on Phil's face wasn't helping. He was looking at the sky with a dreamy smile, rocking his legs back and forth under the bench.   
"That might be an issue to get dressed then." Dan noted.   
"Or... We could just take off with our clothes. Can you imagine that ?" 

Dan couldn't help his brain thinking 'Or... I could just take off your clothes' But thank God he didn't say it. 

Phil continued: "I really want to fly in a hot balloon. Just imagine the peace and the calm of flying gently in the sky, not knowing where you will land, just being carried by the wind."

Dan felt Phil's gaze on him. He likes this sensation. He looked up at him and yeah- Phil was looking at him.   
There was a lingering eye contact, both of them drowning in the other one's eyes. But neither of them felt the slightest ounce of embarrassment.   
Almost in a whisper, Phil noticed : "Hey, did you sleep well last night ? That's some pretty impressive shadows under your eyes." He slowly rose a hand up his cheeks, tracing the rings with his finger. 

Phil said it in the most kindly kind of way, but Dan felt a deep sadness cloaking him. 

"Are you okay ? You can talk to me you know ?"

It was too much. Much more than Dan could handle in one day. Phil, the Phil, was in front of him, caring for him, even though he was just a drama queen.   
He definitely couldn't handle that.   
When he felt a tear forming, he squeezed his eyes shut to prevent it from rolling down his cheek, but it was too late, and it rolled down to Phil's hand. 

"Dan..." He heard the man whisper. 

He collapsed on Phil’s shoulder and burrowed his face in his scarf. 'Oh god what am I doing jesus I’m such a mess.' were his only thoughts, muffled by his sobs. He felt Phil’s arm wrapping him, softly. This little nest of warmth protecting him from the outside cold was so reassuring. 

He couldn’t control himself, he stayed there for a few minutes, trying to calm down, with the gentles words of Phil: “It’s okay, I’m here. You can get it all out, everything is fine. I promise it’s gonna be okay, I’m not letting you go.” 

When Dan finally got a grip on himself, he abruptly straightened up, wiped his tears off his cheeks and tried to apology, not fully in control of his voice yet.  
“Phil I’m- I’m so sorry, God, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I’m such a daft teen, I’m… I should go.”   
He swiftly stood up, ready to fly away.   
But he felt a solid grip on his wrist. “Dan, I’m not letting you go. Please… Sit down a bit ?” 

If Dan hadn’t already used all his tears, a few would probably have rolled down his cheeks. He quietly sat down, avoiding eye contact. 

Phil turned a bit to face Dan. “Hey ? It’s fine. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I know how anxiety can be overwhelming. I’m not judging you or anything. Dan ? Look at me.” The man softly set down his fingers on the boy’s chin to make him face him. “I’m here.”

Dan’s gaze locked on Phil’s lips.   
Those pink lips forming those comforting words, so near.   
He just had to lean a tiny bit forward, and- He can’t do this. He just can’t, a minute ago he was crying on the poor man. No, of course he couldn’t do this. But God knows he wanted to. His stomach tightened in frustration.   
Phil would never want a stupid kid who can’t get a grip on himself. Dan shut his eyes tight as to shut his thoughts.

“I’m sorry, I’m just such a-” He couldn’t finish his sentence, Phil cut him first. “Dan. Ok, we’re going to implement a rule. If I ever hear you putting yourself down again, I swear I’ll slap you.” Dan chuckled a bit, remembering Phil’s tough cookie face. 

“What’s so funny? You don’t believe me ?” said Phil, fakely offended. 

“Well…” Dan said, looking deeply in the blue eyes. “It’s not like you are really intimidating, Phil.” 

Phil smirked and lean a bit forward, closing the space between them. Eyes locked into Dan’s, he whispered. “Am I not though ?” 

Dan froze. He didn’t know what do do, he didn’t know what was happening. What- What. He had felt like a tsunami of sensations had overwhelmed him as Phil got closer. 

And he felt like half of him was violently torn off of him as Phil straighten and stood up with a warm smile. “Oh, I wanted to show you something ! Will you follow me to my place ?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Dan said standing up as well still feeling the blush on his face. To Phil's. Well, he has nothing to be frightened about, he'll probably feel safer there than in his own house. 

So they walked side by side, talking about various subjects. Dan felt the warmth flowing back into him as he spent time with Phil. He felt alive, and so well. He felt appreciated. And it changes a life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you! Yeah, I'm talking to you, I know you're reading this note. 
> 
> Please take a few seconds to comment on my work, tell me what you really think, you'd make my day! I'm a taker of criticisms ^^
> 
> Thank you for reading, see you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Here you go, hope it wasn't too bad ! Thanks a lot for reading anyway <3


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